The Essence of Snarry
by poisonruby
Summary: A humorous overview of the scariest ship imaginable. Parody ish. Supposedly funny. ONESHOT.


**Disclaimer**: I really _really_ want to know if these things are even necessary. I mean, this is Fan Fiction Dot Net... doesn't that kind of imply that we appropriate characters and concepts?

**Summary**: This is kind of a humorous overview of the Snarry ship. It's not very slashy, since I never supported it.

**The Essence of Snarry**

Scariest ship ever, right? Firstly, it makes no sense whatsoever. How can two heterosexual males, with an age difference of about 20 years, fall in love? Not to mention that they totally, utterly and completely detest each other.

Of course, they do have quite _a lot _in common.

Troubled childhood.

Um...Black hair?

Well, we can have bonding on basis of troubled childhood and black hair. So we have conversation topics for starters, that's better than nothing.

Now, we need a context. How the hell are they ever going to meet and get the chance to chat merrily about their troubled childhood when one is on the run from the law (presumably), having murdered the other's role model and hero, who also happened to be the greatest wizard of all times (-_sob_-), and the _other_ is making plans to save the world and rid it of a certain Dark Overlord?

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, we have a choice of quite a few scenarios here.

**Scenario One**: The-Dude-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live tries to finish off The-Boy-Who-Lived yet again, and Sevvy bravely rescues him by dropping a cauldron on Voldie's head. So they cut up the body into little pieces and bury them all over the planet together.

Harry: -_digging a hole_- Jeez, Professor, you hair is lookin' blacker than ever.

Severus: -_placing the bit of Voldie's flesh inside the hole_- Actually, I dye it. It's naturally red, you know.

Harry: -_gasp_-

Severus: -_covering up the hole with dirt_- Which conditioner do you use by the way?

Harry: -_resting foot on shovel_- Um, Palmolive.

Severus: OMG, me too!

Harry: -_jumps on him_-

Fangirls: -_die_-

**Scenario Two**: This one is boring. They bump into each other on neutral territory – Diagon Alley.

Harry: -_brandishes wand_- Snape! I'm gunna keel ya!

Severus: Whatever. Might as well die now. Life ain't worth living anyway. I was miserable the whole time, with my abusive parents, no friends at Hogwarts, everyone hates me now. (Insert emo speech here)

Harry: Hey, I found a fellow emo! Dude, let's go cut together.

Severus: You have "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge"?

Harry: Well, duh.

Severus: Ok, I'm in.

And then they move in together, which slowly develops into a deep and passionate relationship between two emo souls. –_tear_-

**Scenario Three**: Sevvy and Harry get locked in some kind of confined space, which contains unlimited food and booze, handcuffs, a bed, and no way out. Their wands are confiscated. Both possibly blindfolded or drugged.

Harry & Sevvy: -_eventually figure out what they are supposed to do and get on with it_-

Perverted fangirls: SQUEE!

Sensible fangirls: -_run away screaming_-

**Scenario Four**: Number 4, Privet Drive is surrounded by Death Eaters as soon as Harry hits 17. The Death Eaters kindly allow the Dursleys to leave the house, since they only want Harry. Aunt Petunia's motherly instincts kick in, so she dresses Harry as a girl and smuggles him out as her 'daughter'. They stop at a random hotel nearby Spinner's End. (I am _so_ proud of this plot. –_rolls eyes at self_-)

Harry: I think I'll go for a walk now, dressed up as a girl and everything. I need to evaluate my situation and be moody and angsty for a while.

Severus: I'm meant to be hiding from the Ministry, having murdered Dumbledore and all –_clenches teeth together to stop self from crying_- but I might as well go for a walk now.

Harry: La did a di da... -_WHAM_-

Severus: It appears I just ran into a very pretty girl with green eyes.

Harry: -_is randomly paralysed and doesn't talk despite seeing the guy he carries a huuuge grudge against_-

Severus: -_snoggs the 'pretty girl'_-

Harry: -_likes it and decides to forget the grudges_-

Fangirls: OMG WTF

Whichever scenario you picked, after that it goes to "and they all lived happily ever after..."

They went to California to get married, Harry dressed in baby pink dress robes, and Sevvy in his usual black. Harry invited his dearest friends, Ron and Hermione, and after heavy persuasion that this is **_not_** a joke, they turned up. Hermione, being the sensible and accepting girl she was, eventually warmed up to her former Potions Master. She even knitted them matching scarves of red and green – initially meant to symbolise Gryffindor and Slytherin, but turned out looking like Christmas.

Ron, however, wasn't as quick to accept his best mate's marriage. Let's just say he caused a rather embarrassing incident involving tweezers, a broomstick, and one of Fred and George's fake wands. Everyone shuddered at the memory of it.

Ginny Weasley was there too. She wore a black veil over her face, and sang "What About Me". Severus patted her head and gave her a glass of Firewhisky. To simplify things for everyone, she fainted.

Rita Skeeter was there too. Her Quick Quotes Quill **_did_** explode, to everyone's delight, when she started writing a detailed account of the relationship. Eventually she gave up and danced the Polka with Dolores Umbridge.

Let's just say the wedding went by wonderfully, until Voldie decided to turn up. He was furious. (Actually, he wouldn't have showed up in the **Scenario One **case, but it could have been one of the Horcruxes. Or something.)

He killed absolutely everyone, including the Muggles and the Death Eaters. And he was the only person left in the world, him and the Horcruxes. And he wept tears of loneliness through his red eyes, and lived forever.

**The End**


End file.
